Cat Ritual
Unleash the Feline Fates: The Old Scratch Cat Ritual
Ever wanted to harness the chaotic energy of a rescue cat for your own nefarious (or benevolent) purposes? Now's your chance, you twisted soul.
Choose Your Ritual:
The Scratcher Scrying: We'll inscribe your name/idea onto a cardboard cat scratcher using non-toxic markers and sprinkled with catnip. Our feline oracles will claw, bite, and generally desecrate your offering. Will they shred it to oblivion or ignore it completely? The cats decide your fate.
The Litter Prophecy: Your message, written on a biodegradable litterbox, gets covered in the hallowed grounds of cat litter. Will it be peed on? Covered in clumps? Or worse (better?)? The outcome foretells your future.
What You Get:
A photo/video evidence of your ritual's result sent to your email
The smug satisfaction of knowing a cat worked its magic for you
The warm fuzzies of supporting our rescue (hidden beneath your cold, dark exterior, of course)
Fine Print:
No refunds if the cats don't cooperate. They're cats, what did you expect?
We use only cat-safe, non-toxic materials. We're chaotic, not irresponsible.
Results may vary. Cat magic is unpredictable. That's what makes it fun.
Price: $13.13 (Because $6.66 was too obvious, and $666 was pushing it)
Remember: This is cat enrichment disguised as dark magic. You're basically paying us to give our rescues and medical residents some extra playtime and enrichment. You monster.
Disclaimer: Old Scratch Rescue is not responsible for any life changes, good or bad, resulting from our Cat Rituals. But if you suddenly feel the urge to adopt a black cat afterward, well... mission accomplished.
Unleash the Feline Fates: The Old Scratch Cat Ritual
Ever wanted to harness the chaotic energy of a rescue cat for your own nefarious (or benevolent) purposes? Now's your chance, you twisted soul.
Choose Your Ritual:
The Scratcher Scrying: We'll inscribe your name/idea onto a cardboard cat scratcher using non-toxic markers and sprinkled with catnip. Our feline oracles will claw, bite, and generally desecrate your offering. Will they shred it to oblivion or ignore it completely? The cats decide your fate.
The Litter Prophecy: Your message, written on a biodegradable litterbox, gets covered in the hallowed grounds of cat litter. Will it be peed on? Covered in clumps? Or worse (better?)? The outcome foretells your future.
What You Get:
A photo/video evidence of your ritual's result sent to your email
The smug satisfaction of knowing a cat worked its magic for you
The warm fuzzies of supporting our rescue (hidden beneath your cold, dark exterior, of course)
Fine Print:
No refunds if the cats don't cooperate. They're cats, what did you expect?
We use only cat-safe, non-toxic materials. We're chaotic, not irresponsible.
Results may vary. Cat magic is unpredictable. That's what makes it fun.
Price: $13.13 (Because $6.66 was too obvious, and $666 was pushing it)
Remember: This is cat enrichment disguised as dark magic. You're basically paying us to give our rescues and medical residents some extra playtime and enrichment. You monster.
Disclaimer: Old Scratch Rescue is not responsible for any life changes, good or bad, resulting from our Cat Rituals. But if you suddenly feel the urge to adopt a black cat afterward, well... mission accomplished.
Unleash the Feline Fates: The Old Scratch Cat Ritual
Ever wanted to harness the chaotic energy of a rescue cat for your own nefarious (or benevolent) purposes? Now's your chance, you twisted soul.
Choose Your Ritual:
The Scratcher Scrying: We'll inscribe your name/idea onto a cardboard cat scratcher using non-toxic markers and sprinkled with catnip. Our feline oracles will claw, bite, and generally desecrate your offering. Will they shred it to oblivion or ignore it completely? The cats decide your fate.
The Litter Prophecy: Your message, written on a biodegradable litterbox, gets covered in the hallowed grounds of cat litter. Will it be peed on? Covered in clumps? Or worse (better?)? The outcome foretells your future.
What You Get:
A photo/video evidence of your ritual's result sent to your email
The smug satisfaction of knowing a cat worked its magic for you
The warm fuzzies of supporting our rescue (hidden beneath your cold, dark exterior, of course)
Fine Print:
No refunds if the cats don't cooperate. They're cats, what did you expect?
We use only cat-safe, non-toxic materials. We're chaotic, not irresponsible.
Results may vary. Cat magic is unpredictable. That's what makes it fun.
Price: $13.13 (Because $6.66 was too obvious, and $666 was pushing it)
Remember: This is cat enrichment disguised as dark magic. You're basically paying us to give our rescues and medical residents some extra playtime and enrichment. You monster.
Disclaimer: Old Scratch Rescue is not responsible for any life changes, good or bad, resulting from our Cat Rituals. But if you suddenly feel the urge to adopt a black cat afterward, well... mission accomplished.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is this for real?
A: As real as that voice in your head telling you to adopt another cat. We actually do this, and the cats actually enjoy it.
Q: Isn't this disrespectful to the cats?
A: Hell no. These rituals are basically spa days for our feline overlords. They get new toys, extra attention, and the joy of destroying something with your name on it. It's a win-win.
Q: Can I request a specific cat for my ritual?
A: Nice try, but our feline sorcerers choose their own victims... er, clients. You get who you get, and you don't get upset.
Q: How long does it take to get results?
A: Depends on the cats' mood, the alignment of the stars, and how many naps they need that day. Usually within a week, but patience is a virtue... or so we've heard.
Q: Can I use this as legal evidence in court?
A: We're a cat rescue, not a law firm. But if you want to try explaining "cat magic" to a judge, be our guest. We'll sell popcorn.
Q: What if I don't like the result of my ritual?
A: Tough luck, buttercup. Cat magic is binding. Maybe try a dog psychic next time?
Q: Is the catnip organic/fair trade/blessed by a cat priest?
A: It's catnip. The cats don't care, and neither should you. But yes, it's safe and high-quality.
Q: Can I visit to watch my ritual being performed?
A: Sorry, no rubbernecking allowed. Our cat magicians need privacy to channel their chaotic energies. Plus, we can't risk you falling in love with every cat you see. (Or can we?)
Q: How do I explain this charge on my credit card statement to my significant other?
A: "Essential cat-related services." It's not a lie if you believe it.